The Loneliness of Pain and the Pain of Loneliness

Pain is a fleeting experience that humans have longed to define in scientific terms. The closest scientists have come to the definition is ”An unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with, or resembling that associated with, actual or potential tissue damage,” as approved revised version of IASP in 2020 (Raja et al. (2020)). The universality of pain makes it an extremely interesting target for observation yet its ephemerality and diversity make it difficult to define. More importantly, however, it is hard for another human being to share the pain and take the burden of pain from the person affected by it. Pain is highly dependent on various factors that contribute to its understanding.

Pain is particular to an individual, and each pain exposure is different. We all have come to understand the pain differently. In other words, each person experiences pain differently. Although people in strong relationships want to alleviate some of the pain of their loved ones, they cannot. Empathy makes it all the harder to share the pain and makes the words ”I feel you” a lie—empathetic people share the pain from their perspective. For third-party viewers, the pain will be blurred by additional layers of pain from seeing a person they love in pain. While on the other hand, the individual in pain will experience layers of pain resulting from self-doubt, guilt, and shame. In both instances, the underlying cause of the physical or emotional pain is the same; however, both individuals have a very distinct perception of the pain.

On the other hand, that precise connection in moments of pain is crucial to carrying the pain. That connection is vital to be less lonely in moments of severe emotional, mental or physical pain. There is a concept described in the scientific literature as ”social pain,” which is the feeling resulting from social estrangement. Researchers have noted that one of the most painful experiences involves the loss of meaningful social bonds (Eisenberger and Lieberman (2004)). Writers have also pointed out that the pain of the disease is the worst whenever we must go through the pain alone. In this essay, I will grapple with the issue of the pain of loneliness and loneliness of pain. Although words are the same, the concept changes significantly when the order of the words is changed. I will discuss the diversity of the pain of loneliness and loneliness of pain through different illnesses, emphasizing different meanings, tones, and colors in books we have read throughout this course.

The topic of loneliness and pain is incredibly vivid in the book written by Mimi Baird, ”He Wanted the Moon” Baird and Claxton (2015). In this book, the main character - Dr. Baird - is stricken by a disease that leaves him debilitated and unable to function in a normal society. He has manic depression. His family decides to leave him at the psychiatric institution, which they believe will be for the best. However, years later, after Dr. Baird’s daughter, Mimi, finds his manually written words, it turns out that the care of psychiatric institutions was not satisfactory. As Dr. Baird puts it, ”I do not recall having done anything violent or uncooperative, and the nurses on the ward told me later that I had given ideal cooperation. Yet for some reason, unknown to me then an unknown to me now, I was subjected to the most exhausting, the most painful and barbaric treatment which I can conceive of this modern age” (p.27, He Wanted the Moon). Dr. Baird’s pleading yet surprised tone alongside the choice of strong words like ”barbaric” indicate that the patient was not satisfied with the treatment nor the institution.

This institution has inflicted pain on this person far more than one could imagine. In other words, these institutions have brought pain and misery upon these human be- ings without realizing the damage that they are doing. Dr. Baird’s pain was inhumane and brutal: ”Then began the agonizing experience of being wrapped tightly in cold sheets soaked in ice water were folded according to various patterns and laid across the bed over a rubber mattress. The initial impact of these ice-cold sheets on the spine is pure pain” (p.28, He Wanted the Moon). The brutality of the institution and the pain that Dr. Baird had to endure are evident as the main character strongly remarks ”pure pain.” Interestingly, Dr. Baird’s tone does not seem resentful, spiteful, or surprised; instead, it seems observatory. His emotionless voice, whenever describing such bru- tality, is a potent reminder that it was not his first time nor his last time enduring such pain.

The psychiatric institution where Dr. Baird was kept inflicted much pain that could not be understood unless one would be in the exact position of Dr. Baird. However, that physical pain not nearly adequately describes the whole picture of the pain Dr. Baird had to suffer. The more significant portion of the pain was not external but internal. As the main character puts it: ”Perhaps Gretta [wife of the main character] didn’t come to see me because it upset her to do so. Perhaps other people didn’t come because the hospital authorities wouldn’t let them. The effect of having no visitors was agonizing. No greater loneliness or despair can be imagined” (p. 34, He Wanted the Moon). The strong choice of words of the main character, like ”loneliness” or ”despair,” makes his statement all the more sad from the social pain that he had to endure. His choice of words and begging tone point in the direction the main character was open to visitors. In other words, he looked for the contact but found none.

Furthermore, the other quote that speaks to Dr. Baird’s begging tone of pain from loneliness is, ”I cast about in every direction for whatever help I could find. I found none. I pray to God that in the future I shall be able to remember that once one has crossed the line from the normal walk of life into psychopathic hospital, one is sep- arated from friends and relatives by walls thicker than stone; walls of prejudice and superstition” (p. 63, He Wanted the Moon). This quote directly speaks to the pain of loneliness and of being forgotten. Also, it speaks powerfully to the reflection of the pain we have discussed at the beginning of this essay. Not only can one be lonely in their pain because no one else has the same perspective, but also the pain can worsen when we have no support from our relatives.

The other book that powerfully speaks to the notion of pain and loneliness is ”Wide Circumference of Love” by Marita Golden (Golden (2018)). The book tells a fictional story of a respected Tate family, where the father and husband - Gregory, is diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s. This diagnosis leads to challenges that the family must face. The author decided to present the storyline from various viewpoints, including Gregory’s (father), Diane’s (mother), and children. This presentation angle adds to the reader’s understanding of the tragedy that befell this family. The author does a brilliant job of presenting the pain as raw as possible and captures both the loneliness and pain in their pure naked form.

From the beginning of the book, readers can see that the main character - Gregory - is in serious pain. His conscious mind does not understand the world around him, and his vision is blurred with the pain of inability. The pain is one of the last emoions Gregory understands and feels; nonetheless, the pain of not knowing and not understanding is brutal: ”A pain tightens his temples. To soothe the invasion, he rubs his hands over and over as though washing them and paces the wooden floor in slippered feet. The words now a mumble. Fatigue paralyzes each attempt to move and he slumps on the floor as the words dissolve into a creaky whisper. There is wetness on his cheeks. His mind is the devil. Tears. He no longer knows what they are” (p. 7, The Wide Circumference of Love).

In this quote, Gregory’s pain is evident. Not only does the narrator’s tone show his pain in a direct statement that ”pain tightens his temples,” but more importantly, the statement at the very end, ”Tears. He no longer knows what they are,” shows the real pain of the disease. The narrator tries to be indifferent to pain. However, the careful choice of words indicates that each situation in Gregory’s life is driven by a terrible loss of understanding, a pain that he can only understand. Unfortunately, this oxymoronic sentence is not verifiable because the science has not yet progressed enough for the external observer to know whether Alzheimer’s patients understand that they are losing understanding. Moreover, no one knows at which point (if there is) a tipping point where a patient loses their lucidity of the loss of understanding, or maybe they know that they do not understand till the very end. That is the pain only Alzheimer’s patients only fully comprehend.

Not only was Gregory lonely in his pain. Although the underlying cause of the pain was the same for the whole family - the slow loss of their beloved father - the pain of the wife (Diane) was different from that of Gregory. In other words, both characters experience the loneliness of pain. Diane’s pain was different, covered beneath layers of guilt, shame, betrayal, and love: ”She gazed upon this stranger. This husband. Gazed at him in the early morning quiet with pity, love, revulsion, guilt and shame, steeling her eyes shut for a moment to quell that reflexive storm of emotions that often singed her heart” (p. 12, The Wide Circumference of Love). Through the author’s careful choice of words and tone, the reader experiences Diane’s natural struggle to let go. It pains her that this man does not recognize her. The tumult of her pain is carefully hidden beneath the role she has to play as a guardian and protector, but Diane hurts. Only she understands the pain, for no other person is in that same position to bear the same cross.

The burden and loneliness of pain are also different in Gregory’s children - Sean and Lauren. Two children - two distinct approaches to the exact underlying cause of pain (illness of their father). Sean internalized the pain dealing with it in the form of withdrawal from any contact with the family: ”It had cost his mother all the love she had to decide to put his father in Somersby [care-taking facility]. He knew that , but all he could do on this day was pay his own price, his devil’s due, by bailing out. As a recovering prodigal son, letting them down had become a reflex” (p. 37, The Wide Circumference of Love). This quote indicates that the tone in Sean’s mind was coated with guilt and shame. The choice of words like ”letting them down had become a reflex” suggest that it was not his first time nor his last when Sean let his family down.

On the other hand, Lauren externalized the pain and dealt with it by turning into hyper-mode, helping as much as she good while working full time: ”She’d been spending twelve-hour days at Caldwell Tate sometimes followed by twelve-hour nights watching over his father, protecting and feeding him, to relieve her mother, who had already performed her shift” (p. 13, The Wide Circumference of Love). Twenty- four-hour shifts indicate that Lauren was put into hyper mode. It was difficult for the readers to establish whether she dealt with various pain in such a way; however, her emotional pain in her father’s case pushed her to the limits. Lauren’s pain was also different because, in her pain, the guilt of not letting her parents down is woven throughout her actions.

As described in the previous paragraphs, the exact underlying cause of pain for the whole family manifests in a different pain masked by layers of other emotions. Therefore it is crucial to understand that the pain’s loneliness is present even when a loving family shares the burden of pain. On the other hand, there remains the issue of the pain of loneliness. Lauren and Diane were alone in their specific pains. However, they were surrounded by loving people that cared for them. Sean purposefully chose to draw a line and probably suffered from the pain of loneliness as he eventually went back as a ”prodigal son.”

However, Gregory is the most interesting case when defining the pain of loneli- ness. Although surrounded by people who loved him, Gregory did not remember who they were. He was frightened by them; he hurt them. This conundrum poses a philosophical question regarding the pain of loneliness. Did Gregory feel lonely? We cannot know the answer to the such posed question, for one can argue that he did not understand loneliness (in the last stages of Alzheimer’s): ”A tremor of quiet laughter filled her throat at sight and the idea of these two wayward, lost souls engaged in in- tercourse. The laughter was overtaken by a literal spasm of anger that brutally cleared her head” (p. 254, The Wide Circumference of Love).

In this instance, the reader sees one of the last stages of Alzheimer’s, where Gregory does not remember his wife or the concept of family. He follows the biological desire to have intercourse with a woman in a similar position to him – with Alzheimer’s: ”Come on, you call that making love? You make it sound like what we do. Remember, my mother had Alzheimer’s. For them it’s an act that’s more biological than emotional” (p. 254, The Wide Circumference of Love). The narrator’s tone suggests through words like ”them” or ”act” that Gregory is no longer the Gregory who belongs to their worldview; rather, he became someone on the other side, someone different. He placed himself at the exact intersection where the definition of pain and loneliness blurs altogether. Can we conceptualize his pain of loneliness as pain if Gregory does not know what he has lost?

Concluding, the concept of loneliness of pain and the pain of loneliness is only one of many delicate facets of pain, yet an essential one. One that we see daily in our lives and often goes unrecognized, especially among people with mental illness. This slight dichotomy is crucial to help in the wellbeing of our loved ones and also understand their worldview better. Sometimes just being is enough, and no other words are necessary. It is worth remembering that we all feel our pain differently, and crossing the line of providing superficial understanding may sometimes do more harm than good. Respecting one’s pain is the most considerable help we can give.

References:

Baird, M., & Claxton, E. (2015). He wanted the moon: The madness and medical genius of dr. perry baird, and his daughter’s quest to know him. Crown. Retrieved from https://books.google.pl/books?id=P4NaBAAAQBAJ

Eisenberger, N. I., & Lieberman, M. D. (2004). Why rejection hurts: a common neural alarm system for physical and social pain. Trends in cognitive sciences, 8(7), 294– 300.

Golden, M. (2018). The wide circumference of love: A novel. Arcade Publishing. Retrieved from https://books.google.com.au/books?id=kAmqDQAAQBAJ

Raja, S. N., Carr, D. B., Cohen, M., Finnerup, N. B., Flor, H., Gibson, S., . . . others (2020). The revised iasp definition of pain: concepts, challenges, and compromises. Pain, 161(9), 1976.